In my early teens I originally came out as lesbian. Though my family was slightly surprised, they accepted it and were supportive. When I began dating another girl from my high school, we went to prom as a couple. This outed both of us to whole school and the bullying which followed was awful. I was called names on a daily basis and my friends stopped talking to me. However, the worst part was that I was repeatedly physically and sexually harassed. My family and I made the choice changing schools was necessary. However, I still struggled with fitting in at my new school and when a teacher asked me about it I recall saying, “I’m just not good enough at being a girl.” The next day I attempted suicide. While on adolescent psychiatric unit I had many conversations with staff about my sexual orientation. I shortly after being discharged came out as bisexual. My family was not remotely phased but once again the bullying got out of control so I decided to change schools again and finished high school online, which ended up being a much happier solution.
By my college years, I began to feel like I was broken. All of my relationships had failed and I was really struggling to pinpoint why. I was repeatedly told that perhaps it was just having a low sex drive due to being on antidepressant by my psychiatrist and therapist. I tried again and again to explain that I wanted to have someone to bring flowers to, write love letters, and cuddle with but I didn’t want to have sex because I don’t think of people in that way. I was told I just needed more relationship experience. I decided I needed to go find a new therapist.
I was introduced to the term asexual by LGBTQIA informed therapist. I once again came out to my family. However, instead of acceptance I was confronted by confusion. Excitedly, I sat them down and explained what asexuality is. They all nodded and agreed it fit.
I then began to sort out if I am a bi-romantic or pan-romantic asexual. I identify more with the label pan-romantic because when I experience attraction it is to the person, not their gender.
Having a therapist who understood LGBTQIA issues made it safe to start exploring gender identity. I realized female was merely a label assigned to me at birth. I originally came out as genderqueer. My family struggled profoundly. However, I’ve seen them able to not take their struggle with it out on me while they reconcile their misconceptions and work to educate themselves. This has made it possible for me to further explore gender identity and realize I do identify as transmasculine. I don’t entirely identify as male and do still consider myself part of the non-binary community. I have been able to start on T and am considering top surgery.
One month on T